Friday, October 30, 2009

Jesus, you are too good to be true. I can't understand it or comprehend it- this is too good to be true. But it's TRUE!!

Every time i think I truly believe it in full, the wonder is revealed to me in greater ways, causing me to reconsider and take greater hold of heaven. Oh, i'm so proud to be a Jesus Freak.

It's weird, I thought that you couldn't praise God when you were stressed and unhappy, but right now I am incredibly happy, and I'm so stressed out that I can't believe I haven't cracked yet. I've got atleast 8 hours of chemistry studying to do before and exam on wednesday, which would be fine except for the fact that I haven't got more than 3 hours of free time all weekend. I've gotta write a message (with God's help thank goodness) to give to our brothers at the homeless ministryon sunday, I've got a music theory test on monday, I've got a engineering project to work on a lot this weekend, I've got a 24/7 prayer event to go to on halloween (probably one of the greatest things anyone will ever do in life is to pray for an hour or two at 2 or 3 in the morning) I've got another 4 hours of chemistry online homework to do, and I've got to write an english essay before tuesday, I've got a chemistry LAB to do. whew. I could cry, but i'm too happy.

To seek the emotional highs of Knowing Jesus and not go for the hard working/ sacrifice part of knowing him (really knowing him) is to not desire enough. This past semester has probably been the most stressful part of my life ever, but it's ben the most amazing, walking with Jesus the whole time.

Christ- you make all things new. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

things i seriously am trying to fight. though my flesh is weak, my Christ is perfect in strength.

Lusting after just about every girl I see, letting my guard down on purpose to put myself in slavery yet again
Trying to get people to think nice thoughts about me
looking forward to certain events solely because there are going to be attractive girls there.
Constantly giving up time to acquire more of Christ in order to get on facebook or twitter or gmail
Constantly cutting my prayers short in order to get more sleep
Valuing certain people more because they look better, are more like me, or their favor towards me works out to my benefit
Putting off doing me homework in order to goof off and accomplish nothing
ignoring God
Shying away from meeting people who i feel may threaten my beliefs
Acting like I have pure motives when they are really sour.
Eating way more than I need.
Starting to live in order to acquire the reputation of a Christ follower so people will look up to me, instead of getting my praise and fulfillment solely from God. (and oh how possible it is to get fulfillment from God- and oh sweet it is too)
Chasing after things that are temporary
Not CARING about people
Not loving people
Doing everything I do in some moments, absentmindedly hoping that it will earn praise from somebody.
Trying to tell people my past accomplishments (by the grace of God) and acting humble about it.
Being totally nontransparent.
Not being myself
Not listening to people's hearts
Not speaking truth into people's hearts
Being out for myself

To think that I once believed I was perfect. I thank God for revealing these sick truths to me, but I dismiss them, just as Christ dismissed them, in order to strive on toward the future of the joy of love and purity and all that is Christ!


A comparison of nature to christianity. praise God!!

Nature is incredibly symbolic to Christianity (just as I believe it was meant to be). Many people see nature as pretty, peaceful, and good to look at. It is viewed as a nice place to relax, a nice place to take a stroll- not particularly threatening or demanding, just nice.
But then there are people who have lived in nature. Those who have scaled staggeringly steep icy mountains, swum in deadly freezing ocean water, fought grizzly bears, struggled to survive for weeks and months at a time with nothing but a knife, shed blood time and time again for careless mistakes while hiking across the country, kayaked through lightning bolts and freezing rain, lived in a camel skin for days to escape the heat, lived solely on wild berries, and nearly frozen to death in the tundra- these people know, nature isn't just nice to look at- there's something more to it, something that awakens the human heart. These people understand and highly respect the harsh and unrelenting beauty of nature.
In the same way, some view Christianity (and actually try to pull off living in such a way) as just being a nice person, being all lovey dovey, tame, calm, Righteous, peaceful, "nice to look at", unrisky, and unexperimental, not for the person who desires a true life. It's easy to buy this lie, in the same way that it's easy to buy the lie that nature is peaceful and unthreatening. These people have only walked on the edge of the woods. If I asked the man I recently heard of who was tied to a tree and whose hands were cut off because he would not renounce the name of Jesus in order to advance the Gospel if Christianity was "nice to look at", he would most likely laugh. If I ventured away from the edge of the woods of Christianity , where a majority of Church goers will never dare to go, I may find teens my own age fighting sleep for hours and hours to pray, I may find people my own age waging all out mental war on their desire to succumb to their impure nature. If I look into the heart of Christianity, I may find people even younger than me fasting for clarity of the spirit, I may find people in foreign countries- tied up, covered in blood, with their limbs separated from their body, in tears, crying "Worthy is the lamb who was slain!" I may see young and old men and women who would joyfully give up their life for another's ransom. And how they sing praise not just before these sacrifices, but morely afterwards! You don't hear about these kinds of people very often, but that's for this reason- because they couldn't care less what anyone thought of them, what they looked like in front of anyone, if people were thinking nice thoughts or bewildered thoughts about them. If I looked and lived deep in the heart of Christianity, all of this bashing of the name of the Church would make sense to me, because I would see that the reason the church in America is being bashed is because it is full of people who are sitting on the edge of the woods looking outwards, not sure if they're willing to go any deeper for fear of shedding blood. Those who have lived in the heart of Christianity have developed a respect and love for its harsh and unrelenting beauty.

Monday, October 26, 2009


I walked outside and I saw, though new eyes, the beauty of creation. Something inside me can't help but rejoice in awe of the majestic heights of towering trees clothed with unusually green and shiny leaves as their covering. Something is wonderful about the way plants actually GROW up from the ground! About how graceful the flowers appear in full bloom, how fragile they are, yet so beautiful. The beauty and mystery of bodies of water, with their depths unseen and clouded with darkness, yet their heights running freely as they please- mighty as a body but insignificant when divided, the beautiful creatures called animals, coming in an amazing variety of unique sizes and shapes, running freely over creation to discover and make much of it's awesome beauty, there's something so real, raw, and heart filling about it. The terrifyingly huge expanses of mountains the perilous depths of canyons, with seemingly innocent rivers running through the bed, working to intensify the awesomeness of the structure, it makes me wonder why everything is so beautiful. The powdery and freezing material we call snow, the scorching energy called fire, the huge and mighty statures of icebergs, the unfathomable depths of the freezing ocean, the innocent allure of green grass, the tall marsh plants, the green and red, brown and yellow, purple and blue vegetation that feeds us, all of it is inexhaustibly beautiful and, surprisingly, informative. The pinnacle of creation, unmatched in knowledge and heart strength, unparalleled in the capability of beautiful sacrificial love, surrounded by mighty animals with tools for survival, but they themselves clothed in the weakness of the flesh. Yes, God, you are an Awesome God!

The beauty of creation seems to blow face book, video games, tv screens, everything else.. out of the water. Oh how wonderful it is to not allow every part of me to be caught up in my daily schedule, to be able to see the beauty of the God who died for me! Yes God, you are not a passive and timid God, you are daring and bold and brave! You go with open eyes, you go with boldness, yet love, unwitnessed in any other human except Jesus Christ!

Sunday, October 25, 2009


The spiritual blindness around me is staggering. I don't understand. There are so, so, many people who see church as this hopeless, pointless, weekly thing. They see the people who are deep in their faith as only acting to make a good impression on other people, because their eyes have been blinded to true Christ following.

They go to church and they see it as the necessary weekly thing in order to "make sure i'm saved" and then, and only then, do they get back to "real life". They may even be very good people (in the eyes of the world), but they don't understand anything about Christ. When you don't know Christ, you do not know God. I don't pretend to be a judge, but I only want to reveal the truth so that as many as possible will be saved.

Church, it is not a weekly thing where you sing boring songs, recite pointless chants to this God who is far up there and who you never seem to be able to have a connection with, church is a joyful gathering of worship for people who've been living their lives totally submersed in his will every. single. day. Every hour of the day. The people that church is joyful for are those who are taking every thought of their own, making captive to Christ- casting all else aside for his glory, living in his love and lifting him up higher through their lives.

This is what most people don't understand.
What does it meant to believe in the son of God??

It means to truly believe that you are saved! Not just saved from Hell, but saved from a life that leads to hell!! We are rescued from a life of living for the complacent empty comfort of living for our bodies. Rescued from it. Now that our destination is called heavenward, so our desire for the joy and purity and love of heaven also will form. Only when we realize that giving it all up for cause of Christ is the ultimate, real, raw, and piercingly satisfying way to live life, will we start to live in such a way.

To believe in Jesus Christ means to believe that your every single heart beat, every breath that fills your lungs, everything you have has become a downright provision from God in order to do his will. If you are a Christ follower and you are still alive, then God has work for you to do. Otherwise, he would've already taken you to heaven. We must realize that upon salvation, belinging not to this earth, everything we have becomes a tool in glorifying God. When we Glorify God- the good news is preached to others, so that they may glorify God. When we glorify God, we are bringing God's love and mercy to the earth so that more may be saved.

"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. 35Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. 36Even now the reaper draws his wages, even now he harvests the crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together.

Friday, October 23, 2009

i'm a mess

the weight of my sin presses on me. I wish I could be free. I rejoice in righteousness, because it is the most joyful thing a person could ever experience to be pure hearted, to be transparent. Oh how wonderful it is to be transparent! I want this joy, and I am pursuing it, and because of this my eyes have been opened to my unending sin and deceit. How wonderful would it be to be able to spend time with girls without a single lustful thought, and how wonderful would it be to do everything out of purely selfless motives. I want this more than anything, and the only way to get there is suffering. And the suffering for the cause of Christ is something I am very willing to partake in, in fact, i am honored. pray time, i got so much to unload.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Monday, October 19, 2009

thank you

What is believing in God?

Believing that we've been rescued from a life of complacency in light of the huge amount of work we have to do for God's kingdom- and acting on it. That is believing in God.

Praise the Lord, he has been so active in my life, now that I reflect on it as I'm about to give my testimony to my friends. His mighty hand has guided me in amazing ways, ever since I was in middle school, and even before, and I didn't realize it. I also am beginning to feel healing from the way past life of sin has scarred my heart upon reflecting on just how much God has healed and rescued me from.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Delight not o evil one, for though I fall, I fall upon the hands of victory.

I've resolved to make war against myself.

My mean streak against my sinful nature has grown soft and permissive. My heart grew dim- NEVER want that to happen again. It amazes me just how absolutely dead I feel when the joy of the cross is not dancing all over my heart. I never want to go back to normal again.

Praying, praying, praying, because praying is all I can do. Pray and see amazing things happen, I'm not even kidding. It's so hard at first, then you get used to it and depend on it. Pray.

Resolved: To adhere to the bible verse "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these will be added to you"

I will pursue my goals of the Glorification of God with all of my might, take no shortcuts, accept no compromise, accept no breaks. I will fight this evil nature of mine with the sword of the word of God, and when It's all over, I'll lay my trophies at Jesus' feet, fall down, and worship- at last, face to face, my heart gloriously complete.

Hope is rising. There's revolution beating its breast in the hearts of my brothers and sisters in Christ. There's a whole new kingdom slowly making its way across the earth, and we the redeemed, despite the ridicule of those who cannot see, will give our all to His purpose.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Friday, October 9, 2009


I'm in awe of the sheer power that satan has over us all. It is not something to be dismissed, overlooked, or condoned. The power of death is very strong, and it is everywhere. The power of human's desires is more powerful than humans. All it takes is being off guard for a small amount of time, and a large amount of sin can creep in the back door without us even knowing it. It's amazing too, how our hearts are a vivid indicator of whether we've been prizing Christ over the world or the world over Christ- When the intense heart joy seems nowhere to be found- its because we've forsaken it for complacent entertainment. Even though Jesus Christ in all his power is in the throne of our hearts, satan hates this all the more and pursues us even harder and more determinedly. A declaration of war is necessary.

As for me, I've come to see that I am the embodiment of sin. My every bone is laced with it- it consists of me and I consist of it. My most pure thought is filled with more selfishness and hate than I can imagine. Every time I turn from sin, I turn in a direction that fills me with pride for my lack of sin, Ironic isn't it? My most pure hearted, eloquent, desperate prayer is filled with enough sin to condemn the whole world to hell. I can't even reach out in purity without a million other self seeking thoughts pouring into my mind. My whole body is depraved and sicker than anyone. I am the embodiment of wickedness, I can't escape my crimes, because everywhere I go to escape them, I find myself in the act of others. My debts are high and my funds are zero. I can't think a single good thought. Honestly. Whenever I thought I reached out to a person because I loved them, I think back and realize that there was pride weaved into this good intention- thus canceling out all goodness. Whenever I thought I was treating the opposite sex with purity- I find enough lust in my actions to make some vomit. My past and my present are so condemned in their drowning efforts to be "good" that all experience says that I should stop trying. Does God not have every reason to hold me accountable for my crimes? But God has thrown himself in the grave for me. God has become the curse of my sin, so that I may be the blessings of his righteousness. Jesus poured himself out for me- now the reign of death in my heart has been gloriously ended- Jesus Christ sitting enthroned in glory, with the power of death in chains, desperately trying to get a foothold on its ascent to the throne. Not gonna happen. I trust in the one who overcame all death.

The same power that conquered the grave lives in me.

I say now that If God is something that is honored at football games and before dinner, at church and Wednesday nights, yet none else- and that rule following has become the pinnacle of Christianity- then I tell you the truth- you are a Jew. Following rules you can never fulfill will never get you into heaven, never fill you with otherworldly joy, or fill you with love. It will only alienate you from Christianity. Listen- God has blinded the hearts of those who have not seized Christ- those who have not given EVERYTHING to Him and who are living with other goals other than His will. God has blinded their hearts to His Glory and truth because they never wanted any of it in the first place. If you are not constantly having a mental war against sin, if Christ and his love isn't on your mind a majority of your time, if judgement is your justification, If it makes you uncomfortable to freely admit that God is in control and that everything you have is from Him, If you live with a life goal that is anything other than God's will- God has blinded your heart. Is He justified in doing this? More than justified. We never wanted Him anyway. We reject Him on a daily basis, he gives us free will by protecting us from the very truth that we naturally hate because of sin's enthronement. If this statement produces conviction in your heart- good, act on it. Perhaps in acting on it you may be filled with the most glorious joy of your life.

The Bible is our paradise we retreat to, not TV.

The Church is the Bride of Christ. Church is people. We are the bride of Christ. If I am married to Jesus in my heart, am I not to desire to talk to Him?? The same way a wife hangs on to every word of her husband and longs to spend time with him, so Jesus must be our retreat and our paradise, our hiding place. What kind of spouse goes around declaring their love for their significant other, and comes home and ignores them? Prayer is a weapon against sin, and a tool for our happiness. God speaks in truths, where else can these convicting truths be put upon our heart except in communication with our spouse of the heart? No prayer is no relationship. Much prayer is blossoming relationship.

Jesus is alive! We need to take hold of this power given especially to us!

Thursday, October 8, 2009


How God works through me I'll never understand. I'm like a walking failure. I don't know how I'm supposed to communicate the love of Christ to anyone when I'm so selfish and sightless in my actions. When Christ is at the center of all I do, I am the happiest man on earth, but when I allow selfish ambitions to creep in, I start to lose sight of everything and I turn into a confused, unfeeling zombie like person. I long to be able to take every thought of mine captive to Him again. It's almost like the recent mental struggle I had temporarily paralyzed my race and I'm still healing, and so I feel less nimble with my efforts to clear the past from my mind, focus on the future, cast all except the cross aside, embrace people, and deny myself.

I do know one thing. I agree with John Piper, Christianity is all out WAR against ourselves. Against our selfishness, our lust, our pride, our excess desires, our craving.. I have noticed that war against my own flesh and sin was something that naturally started forming in my thought process while following Christ.

Don't complain about your addictions or feel sorry for yourself, make WAR against yourself.

Great video with Piper talking about it.

This is the greatest thing that could happen to humanity. Jesus Christ is the greatest gift anyone could ever receive, and its the goal of my life to do God's will in helping people cherish Him and take hold of His glory and satisfaction.

This isn't just for teenagers. It's not just for people as old as me either- its for everyone. To whom much is given, much is expected.

Praying to be salty and bright.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I love it, and I hate it at the same time- when some people can give you a look that pierces through all of your efforts to cover up that something's bothering you, and know that you're hurting. I hate that I am the emotional type and I wear everything on my sleeve, and if I make attempts to cover anything up, they look so fake.

Like at church, you walk up to a person and smile all happy and stuff and they just give you this look and something inside you says "Oh no! they know."

Now making more efforts to be real about everything even when I'm confused.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

i'm crazy

i feel like a madman! Should I lose hope in the promise I've been called to because of a few mixed up details?? I'm a witness, by grace, of the greatest thing all of humanity could ever imagine. And on top of that, I'm not a just a witness, I'm actively viewing and living in the Glory of the Living God of the universe through the eyes of my heart. I believe God calls our attention to some of the details of what we believe in that may not be true, but that we haphazardly assumed in order to quickly explain things away. I will not let satan take advantage of this moment of doubt and insecurity, I belong to Jesus Christ for now and forever. Anyone who reads this, I beg you that you pray for me to be delivered from this weakness!
A lot of doubt (or rather, confusion of details) has been given to my mind, concerning my faith. Its a huge mental struggle, but I know He will help me through it- for greater strength.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


I will not be sold out for the American dream. I will not be trapped by an enslavement to luxury. I will not put my hope in my own plans. I will be satisfied with what God has willed for me. I need prayers- the opposition is starting. I will live a life of shame in the eyes of people if it means living for the true gospel. America is so lost. We are so addicted to materialism that we get uncomfortable around people who regard it as worthless. I want to be one of those people who makes other people uncomfortable, but in order to do that, I must be comfortable with living in shame. Its kind of like breaking in a shoe- when you first start to feel the disapproving looks of people it's like getting blisters from wearing a new hiking boot and hiking a couple miles in it. After a while, you get used to it, and your blisters turn to callouses and you are stronger. We are so addicted to being favored in the eyes of people that we are scared to make any moves that will take us out of the "approval" crowd. Do I seem radical? I hope so. Jesus was radical. They didn't kill him because God put hate in their hearts for him- they killed Him because his ideas were so radical and in opposition to that which they valued and held tightly to at the time that they felt incredibly uncomfortable, they wouldn't accept his teachings, so they killed Him. I want to be like this- but it will hurt at first.

We're never going to know what we believe in unless we're clinging to that very thing for dear life. God is our only hope and our only victory.