What do you do when all you want to do all day long is zone out and stop listening to people, take a nap, and entertain lustful thoughts in your head, or fall back into old sinful practices? Or when the truth you profess to care about so much is about as attractive as crap in a toilet that the person before you forgot to flush? I just don't care right now. I'm tired of this ridiculous anxiety that feels like a beast in my gut, constantly eating out my insides and preventing me from living. I'm tired of being picked on because I don't respond to being picked on with anger, but rather bottle it up inside. I'm tired of experiencing anger-- for the first time in my life. (looks like after a 3 day stretch of listening to metal music, I'm not gonna listen to that stuff anymore-- it causes me to have anger which I've never experienced in my life). I'm tired of living between Christianity and atheism and trying to remove my bias as much as possible so I can be open to whatever is true, while at the same time being plagued by questions as to whether the truth really does matter anyway. I'm tired of trying to keep my thoughts off of women and how wonderful it would be to date a woman, and wondering if by the time I've accommodated my mind to modern philosophy I'll even be sane enough to care for another human being. I'm tired of many more things than I could list right now.
Oh-- this is the part where I'm supposed to critique my attitude and provide some sort of hope for myself. Darn. Ok, let's say something that sounds insightful but which I'll ignore once I'm done writing this:
Ok, just kidding (I hope), but really. I realize I'm being immature and sinful. That's obvious. If I was sinless my main goal wouldn't be spiritual formation! It is not sinlessness or perfection that is called for in spiritual formation, but rather right management of imperfection and sin for the purpose of their eradication via the power of spiritual truth.
But honestly, what do I do with this? I know, having studied so many spiritual formation techniques, counseling techniques, brain studies, philosophy of the human mind, bleh blah, all kinds of stuff, that there are countless resources available for me to use to regain my composure. There's prayer, the inversion question(s), cultivation of desires, changing in thinking (cognitive therapy), peer validation, accountability groups, worship, meditation, music, sleep, journaling, Bible reading, devotion reading, spiritual work reading, and so many others.
Here comes the self-critique: Every time I start feeling like this-- every time I begin to feel like I'm running out of spiritual desire and into an existential roadblock, it's because I haven't been doing a ve ry good job with my devotions and meditations. It is so easy for me to pretend that I'm taking my meditations seriously when I'm really just skimming through them in anticipation to get through the next part of the day (to finish my TO DO list. AHHH THE TO-DO LIST CONSUMES ALL LIFE!!) But really. What other chance do I have to experience pure truth about God and life, peace and conviction than these sacred Sabbaths which I've commited to set aside for 30-50 minutes a day. Every time I go into these meditations, I do it ready to get them over with. It's like all I care about is knocking the next thing off the list, so I can knock the next thing off the list, so I can knock the next thing off the list, until I eventually die. There's got to be some substance somewhere. I think I'm missing it.
So what is my resolution? To take spiritual truth more seriously.