I haven't written on my blog in a while-- the reason for this is that I'm trying to actually say and do things with substance rather than self-seeking passion. When you realize that you wouldn't care about the things you write unless people were listening, and that you also do not think about much of what you say, you tend to get a bit quiet.
Nevertheless, just to keep any interested people updated (and I do really appreciate it that you follow my blog if you do), I'm going to briefly describe my current situation and my goals.)
First, the whole worldview decision before the summer ends thing didn't work out. I honestly felt like I didn't get very far even though I did do a lot of reading and thinking. Despite that, I find myself leaning more and more towards belief in God, simply because the spiritual disciplines I practice to keep myself acting consistently with the truth push me in that direction and I have no reason not to. This combined with the fact that there is not really any amazing evidence either way concerning the topic (though it does lean slightly towards theism in my situation) makes me more comfortable with simply believing in God and, if that belief gets corrected, so be it. So I wouldn't consider what I've done an official position so much as a pragmatic, down to earth recognition of the futility of "truly" official positions. Blaise Pascal once stated, "We have an inability to prove anything which is insurmountable by all dogmatism."
Second, this summer I experienced a revolution of spirituality. Kierkegaard's writings on the appropriation of truth turned my world around. I realized that words have meanings that relate to real things-- not abstract, intangible things. Even the most abstract, philosophical theory has real, tangible, and practical meaning to the one who formulated it. If words do not have a real, down to earth meaning, then they have no meaning at all.
This turns my life around because I had never learned to think about the things I talk about, do, or even think about. When everything I read or say or do has a real and tangible meaning, life becomes rich and full of meaning. This caused me to look back on all the things I learned in philosophy and think a lot harder about them, and it truly has spiritual ramifications.
Now, I live my life by a code which involves deep thought about things around me, people around me, and etc. It's incredibly meaningful despite the intensely hard work of reflection.
Lastly, this puts me in my current situation. I am about to start my senior year of college. These are my goals and guidelines I will hold by:
1. To be consistent with the code I have created for myself being true to my friends, truth itself, and God.
2. To learn as much as I can through the academic disciplines at this college.
3. To maintain a high enough GPA to be accepted into profitable graduate school programs.
4. To push myself as much as I can in Cross country.
Guidelines I need to hold to:
1. Soberness. I must stay soberly reflective of all that is required of me rather than off in my baseless and meaningless emotional daydreams.
2. No dating. Still I cannot afford to be dating anyone right now. Luckily, I don't even have the desire this year, though last year I struggled a lot.
3. Resilience. Much will occur to cause me to wish to fall on my face and give up. But as I learned during the summer, and as Alfred says in Batman Begins, "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up again."
4. Spiritual and Intellectual Independence. I can't afford to be influenced by other people around me unless it is profitable-- but this means I have to critically filter everything people tell me, expect of me, or make me feel so that I can decide what is profitable and true. This is incredibly hard and I know I will fail a lot.