I'm hoping, at some point, to post a much more detailed update on things, but I thought I'd write a small post in the midst of my sleeplessness.
Many things have changed about my life. I am a Christian now, and I am now living every day struggling to learn how to trust the truth again. A few years ago I thought I knew what it meant to pursue truth, and that the Christian life had little to do with it. Now I find that that two are so intimately intertwined that I cannot analyze the definition of Christian practice without a sincere adherence to, love for, and pursuit of all things true. We were made with the reflection of the being whose nature is truth. What's great is that philosophers probably need not heavily qualify such a statement (maybe). It's not one of those silly, meaningless statements we say about God to heighten our emotional state about him (such statements are not rare amongst Christians), it's an actually true proposition, if you define it sensitively enough.
I have also found that I have an anxiety disorder which is largely responsible for the emotional pain and confusion I've gone through earlier in life and even in the past few months. As I've gained an ability to think propositionally and clearly, I've begun to see how much I lacked clear thought over the first 20 years of my life due to anxiety overwhelming clear judgment for so long. It's been the most difficult thing to overcome I've ever experienced. I have sincerely wished to not be alive more than a few times, but that's only in the really bad moments. For the most part, I'm learning and entering into freedoms which I never knew existed.
Learning how to love has been one of the most unpleasant things I've ever experienced. In the words of Kahlil Gibran, "Even as love crowns you, so shall he crucify you." The crucifixion is a real one. It's one that will make you scream in anger, rip your hair out, turn unsuspecting inanimate objects into punching bags, and weep from what seems like the depths of your soul. Love is not fun or easy. It's a commitment to be more than you are. It's demands overflow into every area of life and trap us with logic. But given that human psychology is dual-natured, when we let go of our non-sensical lower desires and honor reality in our choice to love, we let go of the finite, blind, crazed rebellion within us and put on the incorruptible-- that being, truth, or, the image of God, becoming armed with strength and understanding.
I hope to pursue a little more education in I.T. related topics, such as getting an Apple and Microsoft Technology certification. That way I can work in a computer related profession as I attend Graduate school. I hope to eventually move overseas to Europe to bring a bit of God's light (and by that I mean justified true belief adhered to with proper respect) into the academic environment there by teaching Philosophy. But this is a long way off, and I have much preparation to do.
Please keep me in your prayers. Every day I am fighting a battle that seems fit for a man stronger than I, and I often fail miserably. But I am trusting that God is working these things for good, and that he is helping me along the way.